The Best Way to Fly…

I have no problem skydiving. Going up in a plane with a parachute on my back and jumping out… I love it. BUT… Yes… I have an aversion to flying.

The first time I ever flew was in an Ultralight when I was 12 years old.  My cousin had one; it was a 2 seater… We reached 6,000 ft and he told me we were just over a mile above the ground… it was awesome. 

I spit between my legs, because in an Ultralight when you look down between your legs, you see the ground… I hawked a HUGE lugey, and I remember watching it get smaller and smaller until it disappeared.

When you fly in an Ultralight, you fly kind of sideways, not straight forward like a car or an airplane… Similar to a helicopter, except a helicopter is MUCH more agile in the sky. It’s kind of weird, but hey…  After about 30-45 minutes, we were running low on gas and we headed back to the landing strip.

Then, I got to go up in my cousin’s buddy’s single engine Cessna (small one propeller airplane). We did loops upside down, barrel rolls… We went vertical and he stalled the engine, then we fell towards the ground… He started the engine back up and we went into a huge loop upside down then into barrel rolls… It was awesome…

But over the years of flying commercial airlines… I’ve discovered I just don’t like flying.

I was “fortunate” enough to be on a small commuter plane that blew out a tire on landing about 12-13 years ago. We didn’t crash, but we did use the emergency exits… I was the first person off of the plane…

I don’t remember how I got off of the wing… I just remember running. I probably looked like Wiley Coyote in mid air off of the wing… I got 2 free tickets anywhere that airline flew in the world, but I never used them….

A couple of years later, I was on an airplane and the fasten seat belts lights were taken off, so I undid mine. Sure enough we hit turbulence and I hit my head on the overhead compartment… got a huge knot on my head and a free ticket from that… Never used the ticket. I only fly if I have to…

So, now it’s time for me to fly again… I have to… So, the best way to fly is drunk… Seriously… I have eight beers in me. I can smile and pretend to be sober until I sit in my seat. About the time we reach Brazil, I’ll be just waking up…

So, long and short… The best way to fly is drunk… and remember to keep your seat belt fastened at all times.